i want you, entire.

waiting for a second chance, or choosing to completely walk away.

i’ll know in a couple of days. or one day. or a couple of hours.

talk about hard to stomach. i feel like i’m going to puke every time i think about it.

practicing self control.

starting today. waiting never hurt anyone, rushing has. i have enough things i can distract myself with this week, so i’m not worried. i don’t want the ball in my court on this one, gonna wait to see what __ pulls first. and go!

….

It makes me feel like shit, but then I think about it; I’m single for a reason. I didn’t want the baggage and responsibility of a relationship because I’m way too reckless right now. I can’t control what I do enough right now to have to compensate for looking out for someone other than myself. And I think, even though it sounds selfish, that that’s fair because I’ve only been single for 1.5 out of the last 5.5 years of my life. I need time to be independent, live the college lifestyle, figure out what’s out there and what I want. I may not be doing a good job at doing that right now, but I’ll get it right eventually.

4:04am rambles.

less than 1 week away from move-in day. starting another school year; junior year, except ending with a graduation. i’ve had 2 weeks of a summer vacation and it was just enough time for me to spend at home and get my bizzzness done.

can’t decide what to expect once i go back.. so many things have changed since the last school year ended in may. things are going to be so different and, frankly, i’m terrified.

this mix of feelings colliding in my head and in my chest are more than distracting. what exactly is it that i want? i can’t come to a conclusion, i keep drifting in limbo. maybe once the ball starts rolling and life takes a couple baby steps forward, it’ll be more clear to me. all i know is, as soon as i hit october 13th and i’m officially 21 years of age, my life isn’t going to be the same. thanksgiving break and winter break are going to be huge reality checks. time ain’t stoppin for no one.

summer.

amazing. my last post was on may 27th. it’s now july 13th. amazing how much can happen in such a short span of time. why is summer so different than the other 3 seasons? just because girls run around in short shorts and bikinis and guys have a lot more time to drink beers and be guys, what’s the difference? we’re still the same people, the weather just gets hotter. what is this “summer fling” nonsense?

my life is so different now. i don’t know whether in a good or bad way, but definitely different.

now what?

forgive me, father,

for i have sinned.

struggle.

today was a struggle, in all possible ways.
hungover, confused mentally, internal conflict between what i wanted to do and the effect of my laziness, wandering thoughts into forbidden territory, various other stresses including but not limited to the bulls, kidney stones, and overage charges.

this is one habit of mine that i’ve learned to deal with. one of the few bad habits, actually, that i’ve learned to cope with. but the thing about it is; i shouldn’t have to learn to deal with this. why am i affected so much by stupid things? (apologize for the vagueness, don’t want to be too exposed here….)

well.

this, too, shall pass.
like the rest of them.

a non-traditional to-do list.

i have a feeling this blog is going to be all over the place. good. i need to get this mumbo jumbo out of my head and onto something more concrete.

recently, in casual conversation, a good friend of mine described me as close-minded. it didn’t offend me, but to say the least, it caught me off guard. really? me? i’ve never learned to think of myself in that way. all throughout middle school, i was embarrassed because i laughed too loud and too often. in high school, i tried to tone my boisterous laugh down a bit, to no avail. but i learned to be more reserved with people, because i had witnessed how evil people really can be. and now, with this independent woman mindset and determination to do what’s best for me in almost all situations (without sacrificing others, of course), have i finally lost this overly-happy, nice, loud, outgoing persona that had been pinned to me throughout my life? i wanted this, didn’t i? of course there is certain things i like with the straight up, blunt bitch type of personality that can be overly friendly to the people she likes and overly evil to the people she doesn’t like, but now….. is it too much? it is. i miss who i was, time to get back there. to-do #1.

when i was little, i promised my oldest brother that i would buy him a house and corvette once i got rich. yes, once i got rich, not if i got rich. i scoffed at the idea that i would be unsuccessful (determined little bugger, eh?) and yet i see myself slowllllyyy letting the determination fade. it’s starting to come back. reignite that fire. to-do #2.

friends i spent almost every weekend with and saw everyday in high school (and middle school, mind you) that occupy the same campus as i do now pass me hesitating to say hi. people i used to talk to and text randomly throughout the day have become strangers, simply because they are in different states, studying at different universities and living in different places. i never liked geography. they’re the same people, and i (essentially) am too. why lose a friend? to-do #3.

i’m fat. i didn’t used to be. it’s all about self-control. to-do #4.

i’ve doubted the male race for years now. i’ve found one that proves my theory wrong. do i treat him so? not as much. what happened to that girlfriend that baked brownies and planned surprises and liked giving massages and let things that bothered her slide? find her. to-do #5.

one word; appreciate. i am blessed. to-do #6.

and so, i’ll end this here. don’t want to be over-ambitious, 6 is my favorite number.

stuck in champaign.

didn’t think i would get this bored out here. only reason i’m bored, quite honestly, is the lack of company. i miss my roommates and being surrounded by people everywhere i go!

this can be a good thing though, i think. it’ll force me out of my comfort zone. that’s something i need, and i know it.

not to mention, it’s a good time to find myself. how dumb and cliche does that sound? i know. but it’s the truth; i feel like i lose myself a lot, especially when i’m in a relationship, so when that starts to happen i have to remember who i am and what i stand for, and then act accordingly.

i’m determined to make the most out of this summer (doesn’t everyone say that though?). working out, relaxing, peace of mind, plus working hard in classes and in life changes. making the best of my time out in champaign, and making frequent trips home despite the high gas prices (thank goodness for amtrak and a condo near union station). and, maybe, getting in touch with old friends and becoming the friendly, outgoing, openminded person i used to be, that, according to many people, “laughed and smiled too much.”

looks like there’s a lot ahead of me!